Finding That Creative Bone

 So I was recently told that I needed to start writing again.  To which I responded with my general reply... "I know."  The truth is... there are so many things that I need to start doing again.  Designing, drawing, photographing ~ just getting back into any creative expression of myself at all.  But when I start to think about actually doing it... it's like something pulls me away.  And this little voice in my head whispers all these lies that I end up believing, about not being good enough and what's the point of even trying.

Part of the issue is that I need to be inspired.  And I feel like I'm all out of that at the moment.  I'd rather play around with other peoples' creations (by that, I mean in video games), rather than create my own, because it's the easy way out.

Losing Time + Courage Boost

 I'm sitting here just watching the clock tick the minutes away... and really wishing I could just stop time completely.  I feel like that's what I need in order to get everything done.  Literally watching that time slip away right before my eyes just makes me think about all that stuff that I've either been too lazy to do, or just haven't had the time to even start.  It would help if I could win the lottery or suddenly find myself swimming in money so that I wouldn't have to work at all!  Let's face it, that in itself is a major time-killer. 😅  Usually feels like it's all for nothing also.  Just the same old shit, different days.  I'm really not meaning to sound so bitter though.  Lol.

So I'm working from home today because my office building will be testing out security alarms all day... I really miss the times when we did this for at least 50-75% of the month.  I felt like I could get so much more stuff done around the house, along with updating this blog as well.

I do feel like I've been more productive when it comes to reading though.  I don't have the specific amount of books that I've read this year, but I think it's been more than my previous attempts.  Have you ever been... scared to read a book?  Scared isn't the right word... maybe "apprehensive" describes the feeling better.  See, there's this brilliant TV show called The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart that I saw in 2023... and it just absolutely resonated with me on a deeply personal level - in both good and 'bad' ways (some particular scenes are VERY difficult for me to watch).  I found out that it was a book... and had it on my radar to read for awhile afterwards (because you know how much detail they have to omit for television/film adaptations), but I guess I had to build up the courage to actually buy it (which sounds ridiculous, I know).  And now that I have, it is slightly scary to me, because of how much I know it's going to bring up some old memories that I would rather leave buried in the past.  I'm still working up that same courage to start reading it...

Life moved and I stopped to taste it...

First off, happy birthday to my late mother-in-law, Elizabeth!  You have been missed SO much these almost 4 years, and I wish I could hear your words of wisdom just one more time.

 Life moves too quickly.  I can't believe we are already more than halfway into the 8th month of 2024.  When we're young, we just can't wait for the years to pass by until we are older, then when that finally happens, we wonder how we missed it all.  Life just seems cruel that way.  And I have never been prepared for how fast it's moving lately.

I realize that I completely failed to do any posting whatsoever in 2023.  Considering how incredibly shitty of a year it was... I am going to give myself a pass on that.  I won't go into too many details, but... it was just too filled with death.  I also can't believe it's already been well over a year since we lost Dozer, our great dane.  Our house was so empty without his presence.  I can still see his face, locking eyes with mine for the last time, as he let out one quick yelp and was gone forever.  I like to think he was telling me he loved me in that moment, and that everything was going to be okay. 💙🐾 He's forever in my heart.

We also lost Reno early in that year, our long-time family friend that we'd been taking care of and helping out in his older age.  He was so incredibly independent and hated asking for help, but we were grateful that he ended up letting us do exactly that.  He was also one of the most generous and nicest people I've ever had the pleasure to know.  It was a very difficult loss.  I still find myself in slight denial that he's really gone.  He was such a staple in our lives for as long as I have lived here in California.

Life has been much quieter around here for the past year and a half--especially around the holidays, but we are learning to adjust.  I'm going to try and post here more often, and actually stick to it this time.  I PROMISE!

[Not So] Great Expectations

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 So that didn't last long.  I hate starting out my post like this but it's the truth.  I have ended up finishing at least one writing prompt though, and reading one book for the month of January.  I failed on the exercise though.  It's just difficult to be motivated, especially on the weeks that I'm actually leaving the house to work at the office, instead of at home.  (one week out of a three-week rotation)  I'm up between 4-4:30am to start getting ready, drive 35-40 mins to the office, work for [usually a stressful & busy] 8 hours, then a 45 minute drive home.  And it just makes me want to crawl into my house and nap.  

Anyway...

I'm going to start writing a 'history' of my life.  I've realized that there are some specific years that are just hazy and hard to remember, blurring together in my mind... and that bothers me.  Of course, there is a valid reason that I have blocked out these years.  Luckily I have kept up with a journal since I was 13 years old (and I still have them all intact).  Without that, I fear I would not remember anything.  But hopefully, this will be a good way for me to unlock some of those missing memories.  Though I can't guarantee a good outcome of doing so, but at least I'll feel better about it all.

Back in the Saddle ... again.

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 So I'm attempting to start 2022 on a positive note and get back in touch with my creative side.  I've spent far too long telling myself that I'm 'too busy' or just flat-out being lazy and not wanting to deal with my lack of inspiration or motivation... and I just need to stop.  Stop making excuses.  Stop lying to myself.  Stop allowing the laziness and actually embrace my talents.  Just STOP!

And I know most of it is just me being caught up in gaming, not because I have an addiction or anything but I think it's more of the fact that I set too many goals for what I want to do with my characters and then let myself get in too deep.  I have this bad habit of creating entirely too many characters, because I'll see or think of a name that I really like... and I'll have a different purpose for each of them... (I'm such a dork and actually have Excel spreadsheets to document this kind of stuff)

Anyway... but yes, enough is enough.  I wanna create again.  I want to feel that sense of pride and accomplishment in looking at what I just made and really enjoying the process.  I usually don't make resolutions at the new year, because I don't want to disappoint myself, which let's face it, is inevitable.  But I kind of did make those 'resolutions' this year.  I'm committed to actually using the writing prompts that I've been saving up for years (with a little support).  Maybe even write more here as well.  I'm going to open Photoshop more often.  I'm going to make time to exercise and get my heart rate up at least for 30 minutes of my day.  But I'm not going to think of these as resolutions.  They are just things that I'm going to do. 😊

{Tuesday Tunes} War Over Me

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[DISCLAIMER: I did start this post yesterday, so I think it still counts]

Playlist: The Art of Procrastination
Song: War Over Me
Artist: Papa Roach
Album: F.E.A.R. [2015]

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I'm standing on the front lines, I'm fighting for my soul

I've walked the self-destructive lonely road

I read the warning signs but I was too blind to see

I had to feel the pain till I believed

I have a purpose

CHORUS:

This is war, this is war

Since the day I was born

I would die just to live, just to bleed

I will fight for my life

Turn my darkness, to light

This is war, it's a war over me

War over me

War over me

My pity feeds destruction

My hunger turns to greed

But nothing ever fills this hole in me

No peace on the horizon

No peace in anything

I had to hurt myself till I believed

I have a purpose

[CHORUS]

I'm caught up in the crossfire

I'm caught up in the pain

This gift of desperation

Is exactly what I need

I'm falling like an empire

I'm calling out your name

I'm locked in my own prison

Tell me help is on the way

Tell me help is on the way

I will fight for this life

Turn my darkness to light

This is war, it's a war over me

[CHORUS]

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First off, this is a new one to my ears.  Papa Roach can be a bit too "screamy" for me at times but most of their songs I like.  This ended up being one of those (that I like).  I feel it's pretty self-explanatory in what it's about... someone at war with themselves... a destructive person that they used to be and the person they are now, which feels like they are attempting to be better than they were. ("fight for my life, turn my darkness to light")  Everyone has a bit of darkness in them, I don't care who you are, you do.  And it's what you do with that darkness that defines you.  That sounds a bit cliche to me, but there it is.  

The lyric I most relate to: "...nothing ever fills this hole in me."  I experienced something at a young age that permanently took a part of myself away and I've felt that hole ever since, no matter how much I tried to fill it, or told myself that I had succeeded.  And fighting to turn darkness into light is sometimes an everyday struggle, but I believe I am winning, most days. 😊

{Tuesday Tunes} Nimble Bastard

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Playlist: The Art of Procrastination
Song: Nimble Bastard
Artist: Incubus
Album: 8 [2017]

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Has it come to this?

We're stuck in the weeds

I get it, I'm not perfect, I was never trying to be

But I'm not long for this earth

If we really only ever get one chance to burn

I gotta trip before I can see the finish

How else would I learn?

I wanna know, how is it you do it?

When you land on your feet

You're a nimble bastard

And you don't skip a beat

Such a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

Such a nimble bastard

Won't you show, lowly us

How do you see the stars from that far down?

Ah ha, I swing and I miss

And then come the creeps

It makes me want to faint

I wanna know, how is it you do it?

Ah ha, how do you spill the paint?

And then fit it into a frame?

When you land on your feet

You're a nimble bastard

And you don't skip a beat

Such a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

Such a nimble bastard

Yeah, won't you show, lowly us

How do you see the stars from that far down?

Has it come to this?

Has it come to this?

When you land on your feet

You're a nimble bastard

And you don't skip a beat

Such a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

Look out

Won't you show, lowly us

How do you see the stars from that far down?

You're a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

Such a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

You're a nimble bastard

Yeah, won't you show, lowly us

How do you see the stars?

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So... first off, the video is odd.  Lol.  This song seems pretty straightforward... I see it as someone bitterly complaining about a person who doesn't ever seem to make any mistakes and perfectly navigates through his/her life.  And the singer comes off as someone who can't do anything but make mistakes at every turn.  So he's asking how this "perfect" person gets away with it.  And can they please show the rest of us how it's done? 

I'm not sure I relate to this song as much as the last one I reviewed here.  Yeah, I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I guess if I really searched, I could find someone in my life whom I feel just zooms through life in that "perfect" way... but I'm not bitter enough to really dwell on that fact.  I have accepted that without some of the mistakes I've made, I wouldn't be who I am today.  So I'm not really willing to give that up, just to be "perfect."