[Not So] Great Expectations

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 So that didn't last long.  I hate starting out my post like this but it's the truth.  I have ended up finishing at least one writing prompt though, and reading one book for the month of January.  I failed on the exercise though.  It's just difficult to be motivated, especially on the weeks that I'm actually leaving the house to work at the office, instead of at home.  (one week out of a three-week rotation)  I'm up between 4-4:30am to start getting ready, drive 35-40 mins to the office, work for [usually a stressful & busy] 8 hours, then a 45 minute drive home.  And it just makes me want to crawl into my house and nap.  

Anyway...

I'm going to start writing a 'history' of my life.  I've realized that there are some specific years that are just hazy and hard to remember, blurring together in my mind... and that bothers me.  Of course, there is a valid reason that I have blocked out these years.  Luckily I have kept up with a journal since I was 13 years old (and I still have them all intact).  Without that, I fear I would not remember anything.  But hopefully, this will be a good way for me to unlock some of those missing memories.  Though I can't guarantee a good outcome of doing so, but at least I'll feel better about it all.

Back in the Saddle ... again.

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 So I'm attempting to start 2022 on a positive note and get back in touch with my creative side.  I've spent far too long telling myself that I'm 'too busy' or just flat-out being lazy and not wanting to deal with my lack of inspiration or motivation... and I just need to stop.  Stop making excuses.  Stop lying to myself.  Stop allowing the laziness and actually embrace my talents.  Just STOP!

And I know most of it is just me being caught up in gaming, not because I have an addiction or anything but I think it's more of the fact that I set too many goals for what I want to do with my characters and then let myself get in too deep.  I have this bad habit of creating entirely too many characters, because I'll see or think of a name that I really like... and I'll have a different purpose for each of them... (I'm such a dork and actually have Excel spreadsheets to document this kind of stuff)

Anyway... but yes, enough is enough.  I wanna create again.  I want to feel that sense of pride and accomplishment in looking at what I just made and really enjoying the process.  I usually don't make resolutions at the new year, because I don't want to disappoint myself, which let's face it, is inevitable.  But I kind of did make those 'resolutions' this year.  I'm committed to actually using the writing prompts that I've been saving up for years (with a little support).  Maybe even write more here as well.  I'm going to open Photoshop more often.  I'm going to make time to exercise and get my heart rate up at least for 30 minutes of my day.  But I'm not going to think of these as resolutions.  They are just things that I'm going to do. 😊

{Tuesday Tunes} War Over Me

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[DISCLAIMER: I did start this post yesterday, so I think it still counts]

Playlist: The Art of Procrastination
Song: War Over Me
Artist: Papa Roach
Album: F.E.A.R. [2015]

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I'm standing on the front lines, I'm fighting for my soul

I've walked the self-destructive lonely road

I read the warning signs but I was too blind to see

I had to feel the pain till I believed

I have a purpose

CHORUS:

This is war, this is war

Since the day I was born

I would die just to live, just to bleed

I will fight for my life

Turn my darkness, to light

This is war, it's a war over me

War over me

War over me

My pity feeds destruction

My hunger turns to greed

But nothing ever fills this hole in me

No peace on the horizon

No peace in anything

I had to hurt myself till I believed

I have a purpose

[CHORUS]

I'm caught up in the crossfire

I'm caught up in the pain

This gift of desperation

Is exactly what I need

I'm falling like an empire

I'm calling out your name

I'm locked in my own prison

Tell me help is on the way

Tell me help is on the way

I will fight for this life

Turn my darkness to light

This is war, it's a war over me

[CHORUS]

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First off, this is a new one to my ears.  Papa Roach can be a bit too "screamy" for me at times but most of their songs I like.  This ended up being one of those (that I like).  I feel it's pretty self-explanatory in what it's about... someone at war with themselves... a destructive person that they used to be and the person they are now, which feels like they are attempting to be better than they were. ("fight for my life, turn my darkness to light")  Everyone has a bit of darkness in them, I don't care who you are, you do.  And it's what you do with that darkness that defines you.  That sounds a bit cliche to me, but there it is.  

The lyric I most relate to: "...nothing ever fills this hole in me."  I experienced something at a young age that permanently took a part of myself away and I've felt that hole ever since, no matter how much I tried to fill it, or told myself that I had succeeded.  And fighting to turn darkness into light is sometimes an everyday struggle, but I believe I am winning, most days. 😊

{Tuesday Tunes} Nimble Bastard

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Playlist: The Art of Procrastination
Song: Nimble Bastard
Artist: Incubus
Album: 8 [2017]

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Has it come to this?

We're stuck in the weeds

I get it, I'm not perfect, I was never trying to be

But I'm not long for this earth

If we really only ever get one chance to burn

I gotta trip before I can see the finish

How else would I learn?

I wanna know, how is it you do it?

When you land on your feet

You're a nimble bastard

And you don't skip a beat

Such a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

Such a nimble bastard

Won't you show, lowly us

How do you see the stars from that far down?

Ah ha, I swing and I miss

And then come the creeps

It makes me want to faint

I wanna know, how is it you do it?

Ah ha, how do you spill the paint?

And then fit it into a frame?

When you land on your feet

You're a nimble bastard

And you don't skip a beat

Such a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

Such a nimble bastard

Yeah, won't you show, lowly us

How do you see the stars from that far down?

Has it come to this?

Has it come to this?

When you land on your feet

You're a nimble bastard

And you don't skip a beat

Such a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

Look out

Won't you show, lowly us

How do you see the stars from that far down?

You're a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

Such a nimble bastard

Salt of the earth

You're a nimble bastard

Yeah, won't you show, lowly us

How do you see the stars?

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So... first off, the video is odd.  Lol.  This song seems pretty straightforward... I see it as someone bitterly complaining about a person who doesn't ever seem to make any mistakes and perfectly navigates through his/her life.  And the singer comes off as someone who can't do anything but make mistakes at every turn.  So he's asking how this "perfect" person gets away with it.  And can they please show the rest of us how it's done? 

I'm not sure I relate to this song as much as the last one I reviewed here.  Yeah, I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I guess if I really searched, I could find someone in my life whom I feel just zooms through life in that "perfect" way... but I'm not bitter enough to really dwell on that fact.  I have accepted that without some of the mistakes I've made, I wouldn't be who I am today.  So I'm not really willing to give that up, just to be "perfect."

One Year Later...

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... TO THE DAY.  Wow.  So I noticed that my last entry was exactly a year ago, when we lost Guinness.  I can still remember that day as if it was only yesterday.  I was reminded this morning via Google by a sweet photo of him on his last day alive, embraced by my mother-in-law.  Little did I know she would be the next to leave us, only 3 short months later.  It's hard to believe how much things can change in a year.  Well, no, I guess it's not that hard to believe, honestly.  A year is a long time.  A truer statement is that the days go by too fast.  But I don't want to start sounding like a broken record.

We are now a 2-dog household again though, thanks to taking in my mother-in-law's chihuahua Mocha after she passed.  There was no way we were going to just leave her where she was, plus she is the only other dog that Dozer gets along with, so it worked out fine.  And it's interesting having both ends of the size spectrum in the same house. 

As for work, the only thing that has changed since last year is that I am on a three-week rotation where I commute into the office for one week, then work from home for two weeks, and the cycle starts over again.  My week in the office happens to be this one and it's been really draining this time, because my mom just left yesterday morning, after a two-week visit.  I woke up around 3am in order to say goodbye to her and just couldn't get back to sleep.  Same for today, though this time it was due to the hubby having to go into work early.  So I'm tired.  And I miss her already. 😔

RIP Guinness /|\ 2006 ~ [9/14] 2020

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It's been a difficult few days in our house.  Late Friday afternoon we were faced with that all-too-familiar hard decision of having to say goodbye to this sweet face~

This adorably smug yet charming Irish setter had been a constant in my life since I moved out here to California back in July of 2009, and it wasn't hard to love him.  Especially after hearing how he was rescued from being abandoned in a Nevada home with his brother, and how his antics while living life in a foster home earned him the nickname 'Spiderman.' 

He'd developed a mass over the past 2 months or so that rapidly grew larger over the past month, and our wishful thinking that it wasn't cancer didn't pay off.  We hadn't seen him in much pain, but then again, he wasn't the kind to show it either.  I think he sensed what was happening yesterday though, because we definitely saw the anguish in him, and it was heartbreaking.  And I know it would have been selfish of us, had we not made the decision for him... but I just miss him being here.  The way he'd rest his paw on your arm or leg while you're sitting on the couch, simply for you to hold it.  He'd hold your hand forever if he could.  It makes my heart hurt less knowing that he's no longer suffering through the pain, because he was too good of a dog to prolong that for any reason.  And much like my Brandy waiting for me all those years ago, I know he would have held on to the very last moment for us, if we had let him.

But at least we got to say a proper goodbye over the weekend, and spoil him silly by giving him as much steak and affection and love that we could. 💚🐾💚  We will miss you Guinness, and you'll always hold a special place in our hearts.

Ch-Ch-Changes...

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So I realize that 2020 has gotten away from me... almost entirely, except for that little post back in April.  Which doesn't feel that long ago.  It's scary how fast time flies.  Even during the current pandemic.  Although it has not affected us as much as I'm sure it has others around the world.  The worst it has done for me is caused me to lose my position at Delta Dental, that I started in November of last year.  It happened twice, first in March when it was announced that the full-time workers were being told to work remotely.  Us temps were told that we weren't allowed to do that, so we would just get a mandatory unpaid vacation until resuming on April 7.  Obviously that didn't happen, so they ended up begging us to come back, this time saying we could work remotely, which lasted about 2 weeks before they eventually let us go with (what I think was) some bogus reason that temps were not in their budget.  What sucks is that the job was opening up for a permanent position too, if the virus hadn't hit.  Honestly though, they did me a favor, seeing as the communication between management was majorly lacking.  And I didn't want the stress of dealing with that, day after day anyway.

It also opened up a new opportunity for me to actually work remotely for another company, with much better communication, which is what I've been doing since late April.  And I am no stranger to working from home, so I have really enjoyed being able to do that again.

Anyway, I've also been trying to get back into foruming, via sorting through and fixing links on my forum. [ Shameless plug time >> CYN! ] It's difficult though, seeing as I have nearly 17 years worth of posts to sift through.  Haha.  It also gets me back into spending time in Photoshop again, kinda.  I feel like I've lost sight of my skill in graphic designing since I returned to working out of the house.  Even now that I'm working from home, I feel like I never have any time.

I'm going to stop there, before this gets too long.  Just wanted to post a quick update.  I'm planning to try to write in here more often! 😊  Feel free to leave me a comment with what you've been up to, if you want, whoever happens to stumble across my blog!