RIP Guinness /|\ 2006 ~ [9/14] 2020

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It's been a difficult few days in our house.  Late Friday afternoon we were faced with that all-too-familiar hard decision of having to say goodbye to this sweet face~

This adorably smug yet charming Irish setter had been a constant in my life since I moved out here to California back in July of 2009, and it wasn't hard to love him.  Especially after hearing how he was rescued from being abandoned in a Nevada home with his brother, and how his antics while living life in a foster home earned him the nickname 'Spiderman.' 

He'd developed a mass over the past 2 months or so that rapidly grew larger over the past month, and our wishful thinking that it wasn't cancer didn't pay off.  We hadn't seen him in much pain, but then again, he wasn't the kind to show it either.  I think he sensed what was happening yesterday though, because we definitely saw the anguish in him, and it was heartbreaking.  And I know it would have been selfish of us, had we not made the decision for him... but I just miss him being here.  The way he'd rest his paw on your arm or leg while you're sitting on the couch, simply for you to hold it.  He'd hold your hand forever if he could.  It makes my heart hurt less knowing that he's no longer suffering through the pain, because he was too good of a dog to prolong that for any reason.  And much like my Brandy waiting for me all those years ago, I know he would have held on to the very last moment for us, if we had let him.

But at least we got to say a proper goodbye over the weekend, and spoil him silly by giving him as much steak and affection and love that we could. 💚🐾💚  We will miss you Guinness, and you'll always hold a special place in our hearts.

Ch-Ch-Changes...

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So I realize that 2020 has gotten away from me... almost entirely, except for that little post back in April.  Which doesn't feel that long ago.  It's scary how fast time flies.  Even during the current pandemic.  Although it has not affected us as much as I'm sure it has others around the world.  The worst it has done for me is caused me to lose my position at Delta Dental, that I started in November of last year.  It happened twice, first in March when it was announced that the full-time workers were being told to work remotely.  Us temps were told that we weren't allowed to do that, so we would just get a mandatory unpaid vacation until resuming on April 7.  Obviously that didn't happen, so they ended up begging us to come back, this time saying we could work remotely, which lasted about 2 weeks before they eventually let us go with (what I think was) some bogus reason that temps were not in their budget.  What sucks is that the job was opening up for a permanent position too, if the virus hadn't hit.  Honestly though, they did me a favor, seeing as the communication between management was majorly lacking.  And I didn't want the stress of dealing with that, day after day anyway.

It also opened up a new opportunity for me to actually work remotely for another company, with much better communication, which is what I've been doing since late April.  And I am no stranger to working from home, so I have really enjoyed being able to do that again.

Anyway, I've also been trying to get back into foruming, via sorting through and fixing links on my forum. [ Shameless plug time >> CYN! ] It's difficult though, seeing as I have nearly 17 years worth of posts to sift through.  Haha.  It also gets me back into spending time in Photoshop again, kinda.  I feel like I've lost sight of my skill in graphic designing since I returned to working out of the house.  Even now that I'm working from home, I feel like I never have any time.

I'm going to stop there, before this gets too long.  Just wanted to post a quick update.  I'm planning to try to write in here more often! 😊  Feel free to leave me a comment with what you've been up to, if you want, whoever happens to stumble across my blog!

{Tuesday Tunes} Test Me

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Playlist: The Art of Procrastination
Song: Test Me
Artist: The xx
Album: I See You [2017]

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I don't know where I went wrong
Tell me, should I see someone?
Ceiling's falling down on me
You look but you never see

Just take it out on me
It's easier than saying what you mean
Test me, see if I break
Tell me this time you've changed
I'll take it out on you
It's easier than talking it through
Test me, see if I stay
How could I walk the other way?

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So, first off, this song was completely new to my ears.  I absolutely LOVE the two other songs that I had previously heard from this album (On Hold and I Dare You) and this song speaks to me just as vibrantly as those do.  The last two minutes of the song is void of words at all, just an eerily beautiful creeping of sound that builds up to a sort of climax at the end, where you can vaguely hear the words of the song from the beginning.  Much the same way that the story of the song is building up to someone realizing that they've had enough but aren't sure if they can actually muster up the courage to walk away.

I can relate to these lyrics on an entirely too personal of a level and I think that is what is speaking so clearly to me in this song.  It's an accurate description of my life and I can think of plenty of times where I have thought this very same thing.  My favorite line is "You look but you never see."  I feel like there have been only a very small handful of people who have been able to actually see me.  Granted, part of that is because I keep myself buried behind walls of false security, but there are some who have been able to break through that barrier, no matter how much I resisted.

Definitely going on the "permanent" list. 😊🎶

Interviewing Woes

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Well... a month later and I'm still hating this job hunting process.  And I've established that my interviewing skills are absolutely horrible, at best.  I get entirely too nervous and then end up forgetting anything and everything that I have done in the past and fumbling with an answer that only ends up sounding mundane and not in any way extraordinary.  I'm pretty sure I don't stand out among the various applicants, unless it's for my tendency to be slightly awkward.

I think part of my problem is that I have to remember my past... and I feel like I've subconsciously blocked out large portions of it, after high school.  I guess it's a self-preservation type issue, so that I wouldn't have to think about certain things that have happened in my life.  I'm trying my damndest to come up with specific examples from previous work experiences that I can use in the interview, instead of something generic and forgettable... but every time I try, I come up empty.  I worked at each job around 2 years, at least.  You'd think I would be able to pull something out of all of those days that I had to report in.

Anyway... yeah, life kinda just sucks right now.  I just wish someone would take a chance on me and look beyond my crappy interviewing abilities and see that I could actually do the job.

Confidence, Crumbled

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So it has been a rough couple of weeks for me.  Let me just say I didn't miss anything about the process of having to find a job within these past 8 years that I've had a steady one.  It sucks and I hate the way that it's making me feel about myself.

Just three weeks ago I was SO excited after I received a call from the staffing agency about an opportunity they had found that seemed to be perfect for me.  Yeah, it was a little further than I wanted, but at least the pay was exactly what I had asked for, and it was only a straight shot west, only having to drive on basically one highway.  So I was told that I would get a call back once she had some definite information on a time and date for an interview.  I've been checking in every week since that phone call, only to get told that they had to deal with an internal loophole of some sort, and that it's just a slow process... I'm still waiting to hear any information whatsoever. 😞  I hate getting my hopes up like that, only to have it all come crashing down.  Though I guess I shouldn't say that because I haven't heard anything definite yet, either way.  Ugh.

My mom is also visiting here until September 3rd, so I am trying not to dwell too much on this, at least until she leaves, because I don't wanna be the reason that she doesn't enjoy her vacation.  Some days it's difficult to keep the smile on my face though, no matter how much I try to fake it.

Mid-Month Countdown... Initiated

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Well, today marks the middle of the last month that I will be working my current setup.  And I have to say that I am really going to miss this.  No commute whatsoever, except to the kitchen for lunch and back.  Having the dogs as my constant companions, so that they don't have to be cooped up in a crate for the majority of the day.  Being able to conveniently juggle hours around whatever errand or obligation I have going on that week.  Switching off from work mode to play mode within a moment's notice.  True, there have never been any opportunities for advancement within the company, but that was a con that I was willing to accept, in exchange for all of the pros that I just mentioned.  Not that I'm not looking forward to this new chapter in my life... I'd just gotten really comfortable with this sort of work style, in the past six years since I started working primarily for my dad.  And it's bumming me out a bit that I am going to have to let go of that.

Anyway... I've been getting more into WoW lately... mainly because I've been feeling pretty alone most of the time and it's a way to kill time.  I also need to grind out reputation points with various factions to unlock more aspects of the game, so it has taken up a decent chunk of my time doing that.  Of course it also doesn't help that I spend around 80% of my day actually alone, which started last week, since the hubby's work initiated a major project that's been keeping him there until around 8-9pm every night.  Let me tell you, it wreaks havoc on actually trying to schedule any dinner planning at all.  And this eating-dinner-after-8pm most weeknights is not something that I wanna get used to anytime soon. 😒

Speaking of Friends...

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Ugh, if I'd only known what I was going to find out later that night (yesterday). 😞  Let's just say I was reminded why I don't get close to people.  But I let my guard down and it happened, and now I'm paying the price.

It sucks when you have to forcibly realize that someone you considered a good friend is nothing more than someone who will eventually forget you completely.  This has been happening gradually for the past few months, but it all came crashing down yesterday, and it hit me that this person really does not care.  I'm kicking myself for being so stupid that I let myself believe otherwise.  And this feeling right here is the exact reason why I keep myself at a distance from others, apart from a very select few that have already proven their worth and earned that place in my life. 

The sad thing is that a part of me felt this was bound to happen, from the moment we met.  I just ignored it and hoped for the best.  And look where that got me.  I'll remember next time.